Love to Garden? This is perfectly normal. How Do You Know If Your Mother Is Emotionally Abusive? Since I havent been on wordpress all that long, I am only just now reading this. This can be especially difficult if you have lived like this for years. Narcissists are very adept at eroding the self-confidence of enablers, often by burdening them with excessive responsibilities and then criticizing them when they dont do everything well. She wrote to me to say that she was surprised by the level of betrayal she felt: "This realization that my mother was being active and not passive has thrown me for a loop. There were probably times when you did feel her love, but there were other times that have left you with ongoing flashbacks. She didn't get a chance to retire or rest. I see your increasing vulnerability as you get older and I wish you happiness for the rest of your lives. Knowing what you value will help you build the most meaningful life possible. I found it very moving. Really we were all kids competing for my dads attention and I got it in a horrible way (covert sexual abuse) now looking back and my brother was completely emotionally neglected. I'm sorry you've suffered the same but I hope you're in a better situation now and able to heal and move on with your life. Laughing at myself, and learning to love (live with) it! Support for Abuse Survivors. I think the fact that my mom did not protect me was a bigger trauma than being molested. Its not at all uncommon for children of narcissists to be trauma-bonded. if(typeof ez_ad_units != 'undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'innertoxicrelief_com-box-4','ezslot_1',120,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-innertoxicrelief_com-box-4-0'); Narcissists often have many enablers in their family including their partners, children, friends, and coworkers, among others. Couldnt My Father See My Narcissistic Mothers Abuse? My father is a control freak and a bully, but she considers him strong. If this is so, even an acknowledgment and an apology might not work, as it might not feel sincere to you. Performance & security by Cloudflare. I am still the source of all their disappointments, large and small, and that is part of their bond. Whatever you do with those feelings is up to you, but they're there and you aren't in the wrong for having them. Theres nothing passive about standing by and watching your husband abuse your children. This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Your emotions are valid, and you're entitled to have negative feelings towards someone you love while still loving them. I know I said this, but I truly, honestly relate to your description of your mother. Philippas answer Im sorry all this happened to you and that you still live with the consequences of it. She's a very kind and loving person, and she did get us out of the situation and we're now living a new life. Thank you very much. She thinks his put-downs are a way of keeping us from getting too full. My lifestyle isnt as good as my sisters, who apparently has it all. Trauma bond. I have a memory (one of my very few) where she is tending to a rash/sores that were around my vaginal area. You made me take all the blame, the shame. She had abused me and my father enough in her lifetime of roughly forty years that I have not shed a single tear for her, neither did my father or brother- until now! Take care and remember that you are not alone in this. Share . I know all about it, and I can help you understand too. In a weird way, I am angrier with her at the moment for doing nothing than I am with him for doing something. Even psychologically healthy people can be brainwashed into believing they are the ones at fault. As psychologist Jay Reid notes, Enabler parents were often forgotten children in their families of origin.. Its really hard to admit it because it is so painful and I didnt really want to deal with that damage. At first my step-dad was just a jerk, now it's becoming abusive. For a full list of our rules/more information, click here. Its vital to your healing process to really understand the role your father played in the abuse you suffered and why he didnt do more. Significant others and friends are all welcome. When Mom is firmly on Team Dad or vice versa, the daughter or son usually struggles with feelings of being singled out and ganged up on; thats especially true if the parents play favorites or use scapegoating to keep the children in check. My memories are hazy, but they are happy memories and I know I was happy too. Why did he exclusively target me over her? Still, its important for you to come to terms with that and forgive him. It can take real work and effort and is usually best accomplished with the help of a gifted therapist. Yes, thank you! I discipline him, but I would make sure to stand up for him whenever he needs the protection of a mother. I love her, but I resent her for it. And that's ok. When she went into therapy, the specifics of her story helped her understand the role shed played in her parents relationship. Its hard to forgive her for what she did, but it can be even more difficult to forgive an enabling father. You spanked me when I sexually acted out what I was taught with other children. I will not pretend anymore and allow you to come and stay with me like nothing happened. My mother was almost welcoming of the brake she would get from his alcoholic rages and abuse in every way. Emotions aren't a zero sum game - your resentment is valid. Thats Narcissistic fathers are toxic parents who are typically grandiose in narcissistic style, bragging about their superiority to family and friends while tearing down their own immediate family without Narcissists are one of the worst types of parents a child can have, and they often leave their children with lifelong scars. My journey through the depths of hitting rock bottom and how I faced my fears and have started to turn my life around. . But its not the way I want her to love me, and its not the way I love my own children. They chose to have two more children later, and it was always clear that unlike me, my sisters brought them happiness and pride. It hurts that I needed her and she wasn't there. The question Several times in my childhood I was sexually abused by different men, starting from age six. Click here! I can't speak for my siblings, but I'm still very affected. You don't owe them anything. Its also common for enablers to convince themselves that they are the only people who can understand their narcissistic partner and fulfill their needs and desires. Can you and your mom and sibs get some family counseling? It resurfaced once, when my older sister said, Remember when you made all that up about grandad?. Do what you need to do to keep yourself healthy and sane. You need to know the strategies that can help you recover from her emotional abuse. The predators, would always see the eyes of a lioness, if they dared touch me. That was the family story, and they have never deviated from it, not in 50 years. When I got older and started to push back, my father would step in. But they aren't. I love you but you didnt deserve to have me! When my dad hit me before I moved out Mom never stepped in because she was a bad parent who allowed the abuse. I guess I just feel used and wish I knew what was really happening. Afterwards she would soothe my tears and comfort me, but the damage was done. Yes, I had an emotionally challenging childhood. But you didnt. Wow you're seriously typing all this in this sub? he wasn't there again today . I am regretting this very much. In my case, it is my mother. By accepting all cookies, you agree to our use of cookies to deliver and maintain our services and site, improve the quality of Reddit, personalize Reddit content and advertising, and measure the effectiveness of advertising. When she called me evil and bad, she didnt care that she caused me pain as she was seeking revenge. Bottom line is I was a child and she was an adult. She has said she will move out if he gets any worse but he has gotten worse and she has not moved out. And yeah, I'm sure it will. If your mother is a narcissist, the toxic effects on your life can be devastating. Then you can explore your feelings for your father and mother so that you can cultivate the compassion youll need to forgive them. I will not lose my sense of self like you have. Im the creator of Innertoxicrelief.com, a blog that addresses various aspects of the narcissistic personality. The Narcissistic Mother or Father: Why they make their children suffer Today I would like to focus on the psychology of a narcissistic mother or father and why it is so likely to end in abuse for their children. You need to know the strategies that can help you recover from her emotional abuse. My mom forced us to endure a miserable childhood and after i moved out suddenly her life with my abusive stepfather seemed too easy, so she stayed. | I'm mad that she was robbed of her golden years and NDad lived. . I know my mother knew about the sexual abuse that my father, her husband was subjecting me to. 28.9K Likes, 156 Comments. Fuck us kids, right? Yesterday it was as if I was trying to read disapproval in the faces of everyone I spoke to. Its really about his own psychological damage. It is obvious that my friends mom, who happened to be a teacher in our school as well, set a perfect example of being a protective mother. Now I am a 14 male and I'm going through puberty and I well, you can imagine and he was telling anyone and everyone who listened I was watching "Stuff". Hed say Its just the way she is, or Shes a good person deep down inside, or something that made me feel as though hed sold me down the river. But she will not be welcomed into my life. There will be no more death' or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.". Thank you for your rant/vent because it made me feel less alone and I connected with your story. So she used my dad (her husband) as that parent figure and hated her kids when they took the attention away from her. I just want everyone to get along.. My father did not stop my mother and I was angry with him for years. This is what Greta shared: I totally see my mother as the victim, and while Im unhappy with how she treats me, I honestly feel she cant help it because my father is super-controlling. If she doesnt make that exchange all about her, and if she never mentions the abuse unless you bring it up, there is a chance you may not have to cut her out of your life. You have never stood up for me. Years after the abuse, we were in a counseling session together talking about the effects of my step-father's alcoholism. If she is 25 , why does she live at your parent's home? So, I want to start by saying that I love my mom. I guess I always thought that if things really weren't right, she would do something about it. My mom, who normally ruled with an iron fist and an angry slap, became undone at the notion that she had lost control of one of her eight children. The term flying monkeys comes from the movie, The Wizard of Oz. I know for sure that he was always on Team Mom. Please include what you were doing when this page came up and the Cloudflare Ray ID found at the bottom of this page. Thank you for your insight and understanding, it means a lot. I want you to explain why you failed to protect me, but I know that you are not brave enough. To stand there and WATCH as your babies are being beratted, beaten and yelled at and not do anything seems like a pretty poor mother. But when I later confronted him, she victim blamed me and said I am always bringing drama and she supported my dad. Erin Wood Has relatives who are children Author has 1.4K answers and 2.2M answer views 4 y Related I was abused at 9 years old. Do you know if your mother is a control freak and a,. The narcissistic personality bad parent who allowed the abuse, but I would make sure stand! And I know I said this, but I resent her for it when! Her for it him strong him, but she considers him strong bottom line I! 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